Friday, May 16, 2008

Bouncing Baby Bourbon

Months ago I began my political career in the most modest and appropriate fashion I could find. I wanted a position with no real responsibilities; one with a title, but no work as I find myself faced with a new stack of papers on my desk each day. Becoming the president of anything was out of the question since I had no interest in accountability or becoming a figure-head. Likewise was true for positions such as vice-president, mayor, councilman, secretary, et cetera. I searched for a position with a humble title, and nothing else to speak of. My first choice of Kentucky Colonel since I hoped to join the ranks of Colonel Sanders, Hunter S. Thompson, and Johnny Depp, but my inquiries led only to a deadend so I moved on to the next best thing. I became an ambassador, not for a small island nation mind you, or some hamlet buried in Eastern Europe, but an ambassador for something a little closer to home. I became an ambassador for Maker's Mark Straight Kentucky Whisky.

My appointment as an ambassador for was simple. I filled in a form on their homepage, and was told that soon a barrel of straight Kentucky whisky would be engraved with my name. Months passed. There were no press conferences to attend, nor passports to sign. I had a title I believed in and my days clear to pursue my own interests.

This week I received my first official correspondence from the folks back home in the mail. Inside the packet was the birth certificate for my barrel bearing the official seal of my charge which stated that Maker's Mark Barrel 795403 was dedicated in my honor in recognition of my "loyalty, outstanding dedication, in-depth knowledge and services as an honorable Maker's Mark Ambassador." I was glad to see that my long months of service had not gone unnoticed.

Of course the birth certificate came with a status report. My barrel is made of "Charred American White Oak," and houses "Around 50 Gallons" of fine Kentucky bourbon in my honor. I was informed that its contents were "Well-rounded with a distinct character" which affirmed my belief that those I represent are certainly not simple or lacking in character. If they were less distinct I would find it much harder to fulfill my duties.

Lastly, my packet contained business cards should I need to get fast-track through customs, or get out of any misdemeanors while conducting my official duties. After all, what good is a title if it doesn't come with a business card?

Things back home are going well. My barrel waits to settle in for a long seven year rest while I sit in another state attending the duties I have been assigned: enjoying a drink in the evening, and thinking about those I miss on the other side of the Ohio river.

No comments: